{Okay, I am warning you this one gets deep... If you know me you may want a kleenex, This is the long awaited answer to what upset me so much, and what the revelation was, with some added stuff from my studies. But, focus on the main message!
1. Honesty-even with yourself is hugely important and truly does set you free.
2. Friends that say the hard stuff- are worth so much, they help us get real and get in touch with the TRUTH. "Friends do not let friends lie, even to themselves"
3. The friend gets credit for standing up and saying something but, all credit for change goes to God, because He is truly the one who changes us, we just acknowledge the need and tell him we are willing to be changed.}
{encase you were wondering, I did try to be consise, but that is not my way, I am writing this firstly as an excise for myself :), and then sharing it as a step in faith and obedience. }
Whenever you greet someone new the ackward question, "What do you do or What are your interests?". It has always been hard for me to answer, and since I have been "unemployed" and out of circulation in North Carolina I really struggled to answer and sometimes just mumbled "I am a wife and mother" and left it at that. Never really had much discussion about it and never really thought much about it. Until I gave my usual answer and was met with "that's what you do that is not what are.
Tell me about you. I was speechless! {Yes, it does happen every once and awhile :) } We began to talk and wow!, I discovered a long lost friend I have not talked to or thought about in years, myself. This was going to take some thought, Who am I,? What do I like,? as it changes depending on the situation, the people involved, the needs of the group, and other things. I do not really have an answer because I adapt for the job at hand, that is what I have always done. I blend in and help out, encourage, support, listen and try to smooth conflicts because when people get mad they say things and relationships end over conflict.
People are more important than my ideas or views, likes and dislikes and if something conflicted with my only standing point, my belief in God, then I would work it out and quietly leave the situation. This was a good plan before, but all the sudden it did not work so well, it was not possible to leave every situation, commitments and responsibilty prevent exiting and sometimes not responding makes the conflict worse than if you respond, at least you kept your honesty rule. Suddenly I found myself in a spot of contradiction and major confusion; if this is the way things are done, then why is not working out. I am very selective what relationships and people I invest heavily in and what situations I get myself into so that I am prepared for come what may (Oh, that looks funny in writing than it sounds :0! ) Predicting and planning to the inth degree and avoiding all conflict, or at least as much as possible, that is truly a sensable plan, that is a worthy goal, Right??? (Never really sat back and "dissected it like that" well they say hind sight is 20/20)
Well, this is quite the AH HA moment. With the studying I am doing in psychology and what I already know this could put me on a couch for a few years. (LOL, just kidding) Conflict and confusion are results of internal disagreements and are manefested in behaviors that show an inbalance in knowledge and understanding. I knew God was the king of kings, and the creator of all things, and all good comes from God, but I did not understand that included me. These negative and lacking thoughts develop beliefs and feelings that ecpress themselves in attitudes and behaviors and left unchecked can become lifestyles and cycles of negative emotion and behaviors that are destructive to the person experiencing them but also everyone around. Some people manifest other behaviors, for me I never saw myself as equal with anyone, I could always see more in other people, sometimes they were not utilizing their knowledge and abilities but, you could tell they had "it".
I got to looking at my index cards that I use for my quiet time and I noticed a theme that God had showed me a while ago, To truly know Him, I had to trust Him and take Him at his word. And I revisited Who he says I am, His, and He is the KING, therefore I am finally a princess, I am the Kings daughter!! Whoa hoo, oh wait... my crown is in heaven, shucks, oh well, it would probably fall of anyway.. Psalms 139:14-16 has been a passage I have gone over and over since highschool.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. {Maybe, I should act like I know this????}
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. {If Gods eyes saw me and looked upon me, He must have been happy with what He saw, He created it, He was not surprised or bewildered by me, He loves me} All the days ordained for me were written in your book before on of them came to be. {This part always got me, God knew before I was born, how long I would live, My days are in his hands. This is special to me, and answers many Why's}
Never really saw the connection and the missed lesson. Never saw the replacement on my inner knowledge of who I was, and what I was interested in, with the external confirmations from others, and the eventual development of a very dangerous need and habit of looking for others validation, determination of importance and acceptance to calibrate my internal value meter.
Who determines what you are? What is your value? unlike the stock market and material things that have their value set and determined by the world and others our value is determined by the King, our Heavenly Father. We were captured and hidden in rags and dungeons but He reedemed us and just like the prodical son, He dressed us in our royal clothes and returned our birth right, which He determines not us, our choices, or anything else. He calls us by name, and says we are His, ransomed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. Many things change about us, our social standing, our living conditions, our employment, even our family dynamics but one thing is unchanging because it is decided by an unchanging God.
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