**Play "I walk by Faith and Jesus Take the Wheel" (use the > key to scroll to the title on the playlist player) These are my favorite songs and really say what all this does, but alot quicker, but what good is that. My love language is time :).
Why write, post and share this information? That's just how I am. If you are going to do something do it with all your heart. If you enjoy, benefit from, learn why not share that information and experience. Can I help? Is something from deep down inside, it is not a persuasive maneuver, or alter motive, or anything "conscious" it is part of my make up, since I was small. People in general fascinate me, and talk and more importantly listening to their thoughts (good or bad), feelings, hopes, dreams, frustrations, hurts, disappointments is a little glimpse at the "real" them, the Heart, the Soul. That is when you really know someone, when they can share with you, or no that you are not going to stop at the Okay??? response, when you know that is not the truth. Facial expressions and body language are interesting to, I really pay attention to peoples body language and facial expressions it helps gauge how "true" what they are saying is, and if it is just a superficial kind of thing or if it is deeper and more thought out. God, Fellowship, (interaction with people), Family, Friends, Community, Participation (involvement), Encouragement, Support. Those are my priorities in life, and pretty much in that order. I feel very strongly that Christ wants us to be a part of each others lives, (not in superficial, or intrusive ways) but truly "family" (the pre-2000 meaning, people who depended, cared, shared, cooperatively work with each other, were together forever, almost like marriage "til death does you part (and remember the 10 commandments you cannot speed up that separation)") Today it seems like everyone is so temporal, marriages, families, friendships, jobs, careers, sports team commitments it is all until it becomes too much trouble, or until something better comes along. It is sad, and very stressful, (especially when you have a tendency to "screw up often" and your not really an "A" Lister, (according to worldly standards not high on the ranking) . It is hard to see the disconnections and the preference to walk alone, because "if you get too close, you will get hurt" mentality or more now it is "too much trouble, no time". I love history and traditions and the old bible stories, (before they were modernized and simplified). Many of the stories, they talk about the people eating and working, sharing and loving each other. When there were needs they came together, when there were celebrations they came together. Now it is not as much a tradition of getting together outside family (blood relatives), and the "adopted" families (close friends that you consider like family since, your away from your actual family).
Since I was little I was a "social butterfly", I loved inviting people over or setting up events, going an visiting people, writing letters, sending cards just making connections. Getting to know people, hearing their stories, how they grew up, what they did in high school, college, jobs they have had, their plans, dreams, how they met their spouse, looking at their pictures just making the connection is so much fun and so invigorating. Find those things in common or that can be "relationship builders while you teach each other things". I took Titus 2 to heart in a big way very early on, and anything I wanted to know or do I would look for people doing them and watch them, learn what I could and then ask questions and get them to show me and work with me so I could do it too. Role models were very few and far between for me, I was saved at a young age (6 or 8 and baptised at 10) and taught by strong, devoted parents to really be careful about the examples you choose, and always remember to think about how your behavior could affect others. I was the oldest of 4 children and I was always mindful of my younger siblings being able to be involved and making sure I was a good sister to them. We fought like craze, but if they were in need, even to this day we always knew you could call on family. My dad use to say "That is what family does, and why would you not help someone if you were capable" and that is how my parents lived. They would give food, help people setup their houses when they moved in, give them rides, cut their grass, find them things they were in need of, whatever they could do they did. It was just the way you did things, so I thought.
But, as I got older and saw more, talked more (yes it is possible) I found that this was not seen as "normal" regular people just don't do things for you without expecting something in return. Expectations and Motives and alter motives, actually not doing things just because they were not fun or you did not want to were foreign concepts to me and not really things I wanted to explore. But, as I advanced in years and tried to "achieve" I found that I was not equipped to succeed. Interviews were painful, stressful and so hard, and then once I got the jobs (which I did not really have a problem with, usually hired at the interview), I found that what I was told in the interview was not 100% honest and that there was always "gray" not a lie but not completely honest or sins of omission. I had a really hard time with these concepts, we were taught at home and in church that your integrity was to protected and was more important than anything. Trust God to handle the rest, but step out in honesty. The bible was taught very literally, there are allot of things you do not do, a lot of mandates, precepts and commandments, the most important to Love God with all your heart, mind and soul and secondly to Love others. There was not any need to "decode or translate it, God said it therefore do it, we were told. And if you do not, well that is sin and God hates sin, you must confess and he will forgive you. But the big emphasis was on the confession, being the questioner that I was, I would always ask "what happens if you do not confess the sin will you not be forgiven" and the answer was never clear and short and the person was always irritated I asked it in the first place. but, I was a firm believer in asking questions to learn was never stupid. But as I found myself asking more and more, the self-doubt and anxiety began, what if I "think" I have confessed something and I haven't? and later as I began playing with some of the "worldly was of thinking" and the gray started getting more and the white started to fade, I started to question about the times that I delayed confessing, (when I was not really sorry that I said an unkind word, or when I denied someone help or when I was mean and complained).
So I began really studying and memorizing scripture and living to love him and let him take care of everything else, and I made it through the teenage years without any major problems. Then I graduated from high school, full-time employment and my first serious relationship (which was the man I married 3 and 1/2 years later) and a change in churches and things got really confusing (those that know me are biting their nail right now, when I get confused or worried, oh no!) and I dug deeper and only found dust, I talked to people and that made it worse. And then, I met my first atheist, and oh.... (I thought!! famous last words, I was prepared, I knew my bible, I memorized scripture "verbatim", I was ready...) I have never seen someone who knew so much about the bible, the history, had all this information my head was spinning. He flipped through the bible going old testament, new testament, and back and forth, one verse here another there. I got so flustered I stood up and yelled, "you can't read it like that.. you can't keep flipping around like that, you have to read it the way it is supposed to be read, taking "implied meanings" he had me so confused and unraveled as soon as he left sat down with my bible and OH no... everything looked different. He broke up all the stories and all the passages and he pulled out verses we really did not "use" in church and taking verse from the New testament and holding them up to the old testament brought up so many "conflicts and contradictions" and all that other information he was rattling off, I had no clue where he got that from. I was a mess. And the devil had a field day, I was questioning everything and would ask questions but did not want anyone to know that I totally tanked on trying to witness to this guy, who was a friend of ours, so the questions were kind of general. I think that made it harder, to be someone we really liked and cared for and no that he was so not with the Lord, broke my heart.
I was stumbling, I was studying and working on things but with being a wife, full-time medical biller, daughter-in-law, friend I just tried to not worry about (I did try but that is not me) I made sure we did not go to far in our discussions from then on, if it got too deep I would leave the room, (good time to play hostess, even at their house). Life was hectic and then we were expecting our first child and everything changed, we did not see them as much, mainly because I was so sick, that if I made it to work, when I got home I was not doing much and then they moved away. I always regretted that we never got to have a two parted discussion, I was so mad at myself that I did not know as much as he did, that I decided (did you hear that rumble....) that I was going to get into the scriptures and I was going to find people at church have them get deep with me so that NEVER happened again. Things were progressing, life had other turns but this was my main focus that has eternal significance (I was doing all the other stuff, wife, mother, working) but this was my hearts desire. And then, My husband gets a new job and we are going to move away from family and move 3 hours away to North Carolina. (that is a whole web page of its own). I cried for a week I think.
But, it was a good thing for my husband and our family and I had this "feeling" that this was what God wanted us to do and so we did it. The second hardest thing I have had to do to date. Many journals, (a few bond fires) and I am able to truly praise God for all these experiences and all the painful lessons and most importantly for the patience and love he had for me throughout these troublesome experiences and all the while, I could have had the peace, joy and security that I had memorized in all those scriptures if I would have only trusted that he was going to do what he said, truly believed Romans 8:28 Literally and completely. I had only memorized a portion of that verse and never realized there was a beautiful ending to that. God was faithful even when I was having a midlife temper tantrum, God was faithful through all the times in between the things listed. God is faithful everyday and will be faithful until he returns. Oh, if we would only believe, we could walk in peace in the midst of the worst storm, it is not going to make the pain go away, but we no it will pass as all thing here on earth do, it is not going to affect our long term position. That was sealed many, many years ago, when I received my salvation. All those tears all those sleepless night, all the hiding and guilty and shame all the joy that was lost. But, that is all forgiven and Christ will weave it into a beautiful quilt.
I love the clay visual, he knocks down the cracked and odd shaped vessel, and strengthen the clay with His hands and builds it up again, and dries it but moisture is locked inside and then he glazes the vessel for protection and beauty and places it in the fire to purify and seal the glaze and then he takes it out and places it on a display shelf for all to see, His treasured creation. To Him be all the glory.
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