Beginning A New....

****Play "Stained Glass Masquerade"*(Use the > key to scroll down to the title on the playlist player to the right)********

It is funny at 37, you think you have finally worked out all the insecurities and fears from those awkward developmental years. For me however, I think they are getting worse, or maybe I just never worked them completely out, but that was then this is now. With April only a few months away, I began to reflect and look back at last year, the year before that and I found a trend that I really did not like. I am not the person, I was and I am not the "real" me. Why???? because the people I like and want to spend time with, will not like me, and then I will be alone. AND...???? Is this true, have they said that??? Shame on them if they did, but what is worse, them not liking YOU or you trying to be something your not, trying to be, something you think they want you to be. WHO ARE YOU????? Why were you created????? (oh, I hate these conversations about myself). So I decided to actually talk to real people. And to stop being so afraid of someone not wanting me and live my life, according to what I believe and be the girl-woman I was created to be. Happy, secure, out going and not the scarred little mouse I have degressed into. It is hard to believe I have changed so much, but it is true. Weight up and down and up, up and down, down, (moods and attitude follow the wieght) hair color, hair style, makeup, more makeup, clothes, personality, even gave in on some beliefs. I was always the outgoing, talk to everyone, show strong beliefs and secure enough to stand up for what I believe and had confidence in myself. Over the years, I have caved in so much, I had almost forgotten my core beliefs, I have tried to see everyones needs, wants, beliefs and standards and meet or exceed them before they could tell me, that I feel like I have been blown back and forward like an old weathered flag. I try not to say to much, because it seems everything I say is misunderstood and if I am not careful I will show my naivity and immaturity and will wreck my chances of fitting in and open myself to being taken advantage of again.

Then one day in my daily quiet time of asking "why am I doing these jobs that I am clearly not cut out for, why can't I go back to the office, I was good there? or go back to school. Like a bolt of lighting, with a huge roar I heard Oh you were??? Good at being what????? Whatever was needed, when it was needed, for whomever thought they needed it. (whether they "asked for it or not) And what scripture is that..???? You wanted to raise your child and "Walk closer and stronger", you wanted time to get to know the scriptures for yourself so you would not be lead somewhere that you should not be because you were too trusting. How are you supposed to do that and be there??? Did you not ask and I gave you "your hearts desire"????

OH MY Goodness!!!! How blind in one eye and just not even using the other... I am a complete idot and "double minded". Again the Rumble voice, "NO you are not, I did not create you incapable or ungifted you choose to "feel" that way and then would not listen when you are told you are gifted, smart, and sometimes even enjoyable to be around. You Are Fearfully and wonderfully made!!! stop reading so much and start thinking, use the wisdom you are given, and hearing... 1Timothy 6:6 And it is, indeed, a source of immense profit, for godliness accompanied with contentment (that contentment which is a sense of inward sufficiency) is great and abundant gain.
Since that day many months ago it seems I have been trying to "let loose and be me and the giggles and freedom are slightly unnerving, I am not a giggly kind of person, too afraid to be thought of as an airhead or just a dumb blonde. (the roots go deep) But, I just can't help myself to look back over the last few years , on this side of the great swamp that I have been plucked from makes me giddy. I would sing it from the mountain tops, but that would just be noise....

Instead I decided, I will tell anyone who wants to hear, I am searching for ways to share my rekindled joy, security and "Knowledge and understanding of the God that scripture talks about, and so many of the verses have deep personal lessons and much encouragement. But, to find things you have to want them, and search for them, and ask for them. I do not feel like I am a "gifted" teacher or mentor or anything like that, but I have on great authority that I am a good friend and have a very clear heart and that is what I want to share with those that want it, but I do not want to bother someone who does not so I am choosing to write and post, invite and see where things go. If it is meant to be used, He will use it. If not, I can share what is on my heart and have a place to store things for those who may want them later. It can be a Legacy for my son and family.