Meeting God and Walking by Faith

God Meets us where we are and anytime we invite HIM!

I Walk by Faith and not by sight. Every step I take I take by Faith.

This was drawn this afternoon. Spring is coming!! the trees are starting to bloom!!!, the grass is getting GREEN again!!

This is my personal "santuary" and favorite outdoor exercise place. I love this picture as an illustration of crossroads and choices sometimes a road or choice will take us in an opposite direction, sometimes a road or choice is quicker but we could get to the same point taking a different path, and othertimes the roads go around and end up in the same place. So it is not always about where you are going, it is who your are with and how you are moving.

In the picture on the bottom, if you take the shorter road to the right, you come quickly to another crossroad. You can take the path to the left which takes you back to the entrance and to another crossroad. ("Round and round, you are turning me") if you continue on the path on the right it takes you down a long straight path with a Church facing you with a big white "CROSS" on it. (At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light and the burden of my heart rolled away;) AWESOME!!! Gift from God. (See the picture at the top to get an idea, although the cross is off center).

Artist I am not, just able to scratch out images that strike me and really illustrate things God is doing in my life.

There are two verses about crossroads and forks in the road, but I could not find them I will add them if I find them. OR.. if you know which verses I am talking about, comment and I will give you a treat for fixing my post :).

Thanks for asking.. A consice explaination of the medical saga

Thank you to all those that read through the medical posts and got to the end wondering what in the heck?? Sorry for the confusion. I did not realize many did not know this stuff, I feel like I whine and complain all the time and felt like people had shared and everyone kind of knew. But, a good friend asked me what was going on and why I had not said something.

I write this blog to fullfill my selfish-fleshy need to process some thoughts and try to renew my mind and figure out the next step and rest in the reality. I know that God has a plan for even my medical whoas but, well as I write in the blogs I am just not submitting and trusting Him with my health and this is my struggle and often times my sin- I am pretty honest until it comes to "HOW ARE YOU". Ummmmm.. IIIII mmmm ookay????? this is probably my most prayful time.. Dear God, let them believe it and lets move on.. and for the most part it works.


"I just cannot work harder and do all I want to do. I do have limits." I know that sounds really weird and slightly funny but it has taken me 11 years to finally realize this and well I am not the most submissive and logical person, just ask my husband. {LOL}!!!

Anyway, for those that do not know my medical issues, here it is.

Most pressing and the source of most of my "discomfort" is left sided pain and numbness (at the same time, URGG) from the top of my head, ear and all the way down to the bottom of my foot.

Left leg/hip pain, weakness, and unpredictible numbess, leg "folding in" cause me to stumble and fall alot. I will be going down stairs and then all the sudden my left leg is not present and down I go, usually with a big thud!. Very scary, quite annoying and majorly embarassing. I had a bulging disc diagnosed in 2001 but it is considered insignificant and was not thought to explain the problem. I was heavy at the time and not physically fit so they felt that was more the cause of my issues so I was sent to loose weight and get fit. (should have just told me to become an astranaut, at the time that was more likely)

I struggle cognitively (Mental processing and functioning) with simply organization, short term memory things like shopping lists, and peoples names (I know phone numbers but can't remember whose number is whose), verbal commands, reading and apply the knowledge without taking notes, speech and saying the right words or saying things at all sometimes. Confusion, forgeting normal things like appointments and days of the week, (showing up on the wrong days, thinking it is tuesday on friday, losing track of due dates on bills). Some of this was feared side effects of medication, but all medicine had been stopped for over a year and symptoms were getting worse.

Of course, the doctors had there thoughts (Depression and STRESS) that is not a good enough answer and if so, there are other treatments besides medication. "Yes, but most people do not want to go that route!, they just want to take a pill and be done". Well, I am Dot and I want the other option, well we have to do some tests and assess you cognitively and deal with the individual issues. Okay lets go!. If therapy is needed, we will deal with it but, I don't think so.. And mark your calendars, I WAS RIGHT!!! okay I will finally conceed there is some depression but I have finally got them to realize we are NOT Dwelling on it, and if we fix the other stuff I will be "Little Miss Sunshine". Sleep is like a miracle drug, it improves personality, health even helps with appetite and who needs caffeine when you have 6 hours of sleep. Whoa hoo! I am like a new woman.

I have meniere's disease (a inner ear problem that is impacted by hormonal changes)

I have suffered with motion illness and dizziness, vertigo (spinning) and syncope (passing out) 2 years ago it was found that I have too much adreniline (explaining alot-anxiety, syncope, thirsty all the time,).

I also suffer from Fibromyalgia http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer?pagename=fibromyalgia(a muscular pain syndrome) and some other muscular issues (low muscle tone in some areas, too much in others). My symptoms have always been "mild" and non-dibilitating since I was able to do most of what I needed, maintained most of my range of motion and could work full-time. I have had alot of physical therapy with little change, and more questions raised. Because of being so emotional and sleep deprived it was decided that depression was present (whoa! Einsteins and compassionate doctors just started treating that, at least they had medication for that{Sarcasim intended!})

I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (??? hard to define, because few practioners agree and again my symptoms are considered mild). http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/DS00395

I have progressively struggled with the pain, lack of sleep, maintaining physical exercise because of the left leg/hip and lower back pain (that cannot be explained) which keeps fullfilling the definition of depression, which I have worked on and had medicated (much to my demise, reactions and side effects galore) I have finally made some headway with the doctors realizing something is going on. They finally picked up on my ANXIETY http://www.medicinenet.com/anxiety/article.htm which was not being treated or considered and now ANXIETY/Depression is treated different since it is different than depression.

I opted for a holistic approach that works with my spiritual beliefs and the minimal medications as possible and am now having to realize that I just have to realize mind over matter is not a realistic approach and sometimes you do have to take medication and it is okay. It is hard for people that have not had conditions like these to understand. Sometime people say the darnedest things, probably not meaning to sound as condemning and critical as they come across but it is not a weakness of anything and it is personal decision to seek treatment and reclaim the abundant life or to just wait and see.

I am so thankful for Lots of great friends and supportive family members, and my blogging buddies that have prayed, cried and encouraged me through this troubling journey. God started a work in me through my medical issues and He will finish it. So I am trying to learn to rest and Know He is God, and have the discernment to move and do as He guides me. So there is a spiritual value to my struggle and sharing it has opened some doors and brought me some new relationships.

Details, Anger, Emotions and Sensitivity- The Devil's playground

I have been pondering some stuff lately. School is about to drive me completely batty. The tears reading some of my counseling and psychology have about ruined my book, (oh well they don't hardly give you anything for the pages of deceit anyway). The worlds version of things and God's version are so vastly different. The world is all about the reason why you were "forced" to make a decision or the "conditioning" of a behavior and how you are tricked into believing that this is the only way or that this is actually okay because the forces of the environment are against you and your are just not strong enough to battle them. They actually teach people that others HAVE TO, (MUST) understand your feelings and your ways and accept them. And you have to rise up and make your feelings known and make the person change. (OH.. this is such damaging theology and is so against the bible.. Meek and Mild..). that will have to be another post, moving on...

Feelings, Emotions, Sensitivities and Fears are all subject to suggestion, chemical reactions in our bodies, misunderstandings, alterior motives, selfish ambition, FLESH!!!!! the H is silent, S-E-L-F! these can lead us to make poor perceptions, which cloud judgment and decision making abilities which lead to bad choices and behaviors. These are the makings of big messes and SIN FEASTS that you cannot believe. Many of our more complicated psychological problems stem from the inappropriate and unhealthy power and priority we give to feelings, emotions, sensitivies, fears and anxieties. The Devil uses these to limit us and to keep us bound up. Christ sets us free. I love to listen the song shackles when I am reading or writing about these aspects of life and personality. Controlling these helps control depression, anxiety, and mood disorders (Anger Management, and can help in other conditions too).

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH... Someone has to stop the "insanity" and the lies!. Anything that is not true is not to be thought about (Phillippians 4:8) Finally, Brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

What do you do with the "other stuff" the problems, fears, worries, injustices, injuries, ect... (Phillipians 4:6) Be anxious for NOTHING, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (unfortunately, things work in God's perfect timing, He knows things we do not, He works all things for the good and sometimes that debunks our wants and our way, but it the best thing for us and can be life changing!)

Let us look at the "REALITY" of personal responsibility and power. We as Americans are very knowledgable and powerful people. Some are so smart the scramble letter and stick them behind their names to set the apart from the "Lay" people. We are quick to tell you all the things we know and think, but man you want to see some "back peddling" let a decision or a behavior come under judgment and oh man, it is better than anything Hollywood is writing lately. All the sudden there are excuses and "yeah, but.... you do not understand, they did this and I was forced to do this,". My favorite is yeah, I know it was wrong but I just didn't care anymore" HMMMM. Now that is many many posts on its own.

I said this recently and the person has yet to speak to me, I felt bad at first and then I thought about it and I decided to walk on the wild side, and am now claiming the "Yeah, I know it was mean and insensitive but I don't care anymore". Not that I do not care about damaging someones feelings and hurting our relationship but I am tired of having to adjust my beliefs to fit in, to be deemed a good person, good friend, whatever. I have been approved, deemed good and worthy, valued and accepted just the way I am, with all the stupidity that fits into this body of mine, all the fears, all the sensitivities, all the strange beliefs and misunderstood things, all the attiude (OH man! that may explain the sudden weight surges, ha ha) and all the other unsightly stuff.

There is One Way to think, love, behave, believe, LIVE!
Like Jesus~ He loves me, He accepts me, He tells me when I am wrong, He still loves me through it, He cleans and purifies my filthy (YES! SIn is ugly and damaging it is not just dust bunnies and little spot, sometimes the decay goes DEEP and leave gapping hole and scars, Christ can heal them but sometimes our scars are there to remind us that Sin is serious. It is also our flag or banner for our ministry, many times the deepest, darkest, most painful experience is our "scar" that remains to glorify God and show our transformation into the new creature, it encourages others and helps us relate to those searching and struggling).

The best counseling and pyschological information is in scripture: Truth and a Healthy (reality aware) mind are essential in being healthy everywhere else. To be healthy we need to be secure, loved and accepted (We ARE!!!) we must claim it and reclaim it, everytime a wordly experience tears us down, makes us scared, hurts us, makes us made we should grab our sword (THE BIBLE) and reclaim our LOVE, SECURITY, and ACCEPTANCE! God is for us, who in this world can be against us (that matters???) dddd. DDDD.. DDDD. NO ONE!

The world likes degrees and lines in the sand to make things complicated. My life is simple, the fanciest bibles are BLACK AND WHITE. Christ gives colors in the Bible but Black and White is what everything comes back to. The clouds I ride up on to meet My Lord, My protector, My "Daddy" are white, the light that shines around him is WHITE. My heart is white after he cleans it. The world can muddy the waters but when you put the "LIVING Water into the sesspool, it turns WHITE!!!)