Wow... it has been an interesting many months.... so much going on, personally, mentally, spiritually, politically. Kind of been feeling immencily overwhelmed and so alone.. (spiritually I know He is always with me, but...) FEELINGS do not have to be "LOGICAL", and are not be judged they just are!. HMMM.
"To be..or not to be".. To be verbs... Actions-Word agreement..
Practice what you Preach.. or better yet "Preach the gospel always..if necessary use words". Be doers of the Word, not just hearers..
My last post "Discernment, Wisdom,... " was well received and requests for more information were read, some of the have been posted, sorry a few of them are so old, but they were totally received. Foreign readers please post what language and dialect you are writing in. If possible, please translate into English.
Things are just... what they are. That is what my anatomy instructor tried to tell me "Quit asking why it is what it is and just learn it, and remember that it is what it is". I thought, that sounded alot like the philosophical babble that drives me crazy!. But why!!!!?????
Well I took a long walk down the information highway and looked at alot of information and writings on Being. In therapy, a therapists goal is make the client understand they ARE someone, just because they ARE alive, and when they die they will have been somebody just because they had been.
Really????? maybe in yester year, but now a days, it is the "What have you done for me lately" and is what you can do for me the best I can get. Recently, friendships have just been mind blowing, had a relationship go on the unbelievable trek of utter nonsense.
I was in total disbelief that MY Friend, who is a believer, would actually say, do and act the way they were. thought oh my I must have done something to make this happen... talked with a Professional and she was amazed that a seemingly intelligent person, who so obviously cared so much about so many and so much was so misinformed and mistreated. I never thought someone you trusted, loved and who proclaimed they did the same to you could do you wrong without reason. Never occurred to me that people who proclaimed their devote beliefs and advised others on correct behaviors and thinking could actually not even remotely adhere to what they say.
What happened to say what you mean and mean what you say????
(They may have meant it when the said it, but..sometimes not even then... they just said it because they thought it was what someone wanted to hear or worse it was what would get them what they wanted. WOW!!!
crack....chisel....OUCH!!!!!!
chips of faith, of confidence or identity went flying in to the ocean of despair and that annoying voice came screaming in my ears.... "Did you really think They were going to hang with YOU, Did you really think THEY wanted you, and even though they NEEDED or could use your skills, did you think they were good enough to make You the best available", "You donot dress, talk, walk, listen to music, write, speak like anyone else and everyone wants to be surrounded with people like them". Oh.. down she goes..and even when you loose weight, the heart and mind weight the same and I fell like a million tons of bricks.
**REALITY CHECK! NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU DO OR FEEL A WAY YOU DONOT "WANT" TO, IT IS A CHOICE, Not an easy choice, but still it is an opportunity you have to utilize or choose not to and suffer the consequences.
And no one could tell! I may not be good at alot that people realize but I am AWESOME at hiding, supporting the lazinest people, making the meaniest person seem like Mother Teresa. I can be in the biggest wallow feast and sit in a Bible Study and smile and listen and serve like nothing is amiss and no one is any of the wiser. Or at least for the most part, a few can tell something is "wrong" but I can offer a few circumstances that "allow" for my demeaner and then I am on notice that I need to tighten up and stay away, smile more or "wear my lipstick". After all Christians that are walking do not behave like this, and if they are feeling like this they are under conviction and are doing something that God is trying to work out of them, or so I was told.
WRONG!!! well I finally hit Rock bottom, the cold hard slate and was fearing it was getting thin and I was going to end up falling farther than I ever fell before. So when the tough get beaten they go to Starbucks. I crawled into the local Starbucks were I once before embarrassed myself, dumping my heart on a good friend. Carefully, pasted my goofy smile on my face, walked in quitely ordered my latte, had my book in my hand, Ipod and cell phone, my protections all set and found my spot the corner and plopped for my therapy, Latte, reading---only travel I can afford; my music to keep the annoying voice from bugging we and my prayer that this nasty feeling would pass quickly. Ah... the many plans of man...
Well, in walks this woman that looked familar but not sure where, why, and just could not risk making eye contact.. slouched into my chair more, turned up the ipod, dove my eyes into my book and breathed deeply. and then.... it happened she tapped me on the shoulder... "I am sorry to bother you, I noticed your book, "How to Have a Mary heart in a Martha World" and was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute??? hunnnnnnnnnnnnn to me??? uh..... ssssshhhhhhuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrr e ???????????? (as usual felt the need to discount myself and explain all the things I am not..}
she quickly stopped me and asked if I was trying to make her feel better or if I really thought all that. HMMM???? {I was simply stating the obvious} I stumbbled to answer, well I like to open the floor with honesty because I give what I expect.. I will listen to just about anything for a short time, I do not handle hostile, vulgar, angry expressions and conflicts that I am involved with, but if assured {ALOT} that their not mad at me just the behavior and the situation I can usually take it {with tears of course, but.. take it or leave it...} I said, "I think of it like a disclaimer or consent speach.. I am willing to talk with you but.. you need to know..." She busted out laughing.. and said, "oh man, I am so thankful I came over here, I NEVER talk to anyone who looks like they are busy and certainly not when I feel like this, but I just needed to be around people before I surcome to the waves they are going to swallow me whole". I burst into tears... "I was feeling the same way 10 minutes ago"... before I walked in here after sitting out in the car for about 10 minutes trying to talk myself in to coming in for the coffee. she giggled and said I know, I saw you.. I was doing the same thing.. and was just about to leave when I saw you come back to the car and get your lipstick!.
We laughed.... got more coffee split a chocolate chip cookie.. we prayed "God we want to share only things that are appropriate, but as you know we need your touch right now, we need to be lifted out of this pit of despair and discouragement. Bless us and lead us". Amen. We took a deep breath. giggled somemore, because as we soon realized we have alot in common and never laugh that much. started into a little small talk, I have ...kids, my husband does.. and enjoyed our coffee, giggled talked about the book and .... decided we need lunch.. left and went to Chick Fil-A had a ball and never actually talked about the burdens and dismay that was breaking us down. That Sunday, in church I was singing along with the praise music and the next song hit me like a flood of love, "EVERYONE NEEDS COMPASSION" and then after that we sang a song "A Reed will not be broken" (not the titles but the part that means the most to me). It was the discernement and the answers I was looking for... it has taken me on a journey of self discovery and of establishment of my identity and my ministry.
I soon realized I am being restored, refined, strengthened and shined, not for my enjoyment or to "reward" me but to BLESS me and to confirm and clarify my understanding of MY SAVIORS WORDS and MESSAGE to ME!. Same words that everyone reads but some words carry life to those that needed it. That is my testimony, that is my witness. "LOOK WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE!"
You are not alone! and I do read every comment and post the ones that are appropriate. I will not post advertisements or comments that are "questionable or immorale". I must be able to see the websites without joining groups and must be able to translate the foreign languages so I can see what they really say. I do look up the big words!!!. I verify scripture before it is posted so please don't waste my time with senseless and mean or inappropriate comments. Every comment is appreciated for the time that was taken to even click on the button. Please sign your post and give me a way to contact you or check back and see my replies.
Best Wishes and In HIM, (~)--
Dot Wiggins
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