This is a bit whiny, but it is a journal page of the last few months and it is FROM MY HEART.
Wow, it has been a long journey. For months stress level has been up, understanding has been at an all time low and moods, well... they have been like the weather, unpredictable and a little destructive in selected areas. Clinging to the most comforting thing I know, my reading which always points me to scripture. Which usually results in very open and honest conversations with God, the only one who can solve, comfort, guide and correct problems.
To add to the suspense and agony of all the unclear things of life, my health problems are rearing their ugly head and oh, I am really not looking forward to circling this lap again. I have talked to my nurse buddy and we have prayed, tried the natural remedies but it is becoming evident that I am going to have to get over my thing with the doctors and go have some things checked. I just get so irritated that the only thing they want to do is the medication route and well those that know me know that has not worked out so well, and I have more problems thanks to side effects from medications. So, my apprehension to doctor's visits are valid and warranted but they affect my anxiety, which affects my adrenaline which causes other problems and before to long I am hurting, my heart is racing, my head is spinning, my emotions are all over the place and it is not a great place to be. It is hard for someone who does not have these issues to understand and it is just so frustrating which I do not handle well either.
Exercising was my rescue, you can't huff, puff and cry and anytime I really exert myself getting air is a battle. I have to really THINK!! (Yes, the brain does work, I can control it!!! sometimes) about breathing full, regenerating breathes. Which is a calming exercise and really helps clear my brain, listening to my carefully selected playlist helps too. But, now it is getting harder and harder to get a good workout, 15 minutes of a slightly motivated walk (not a run, a walk- one foot on the ground at all times) about 2 1/2 laps a song, not that fast of a pace and I feel like I have walked for miles, my foot starts swelling and my leg goes numb (which really gets my anxiety going) I am very emotional until the pain and aching comes, so I know that the nerves are still functioning. It is so frustrating.. I have searched the internet, I have had friend send me information from medical journals and none of it is AHA!!! this is.... and this is what we do for it. My doctor and I have an agreement, he will diagnois anything we can not make go away and we will just grin when my complaints could be the D. word, and we will try to find another reason, if we can't I will just hobble on and exercise more. Well this has worked for about the last year, I have only been to see him once, I think, and except for my little heart issue, which we able to make some really progress with and found a simple treatment for, I have been doing well. In 8 months I have only had one "episode" and it was quickly ended with better diet, a little rest and slowing down the pace of life for awhile. But, for the last 2 months, nothing that worked before is working now and the acheyness is becoming a bit more intense and the pain/numbness is making walking in the grocery store difficult. Without exercise I am all out of condition; emotions, mind, and body.
I finally decided to take action and schedule a doctor's appointment for next week. I always giggle when I think about praying for these appointments, because How do you pray for this, "??Please lead the doctor to find the problem, BUT!!! PLEASE do not let it be anything serious, (I mean I know, God is in control, but I also know that being completely cured is not part of the plan, we have been on this path too long (over 20 years, oh.. I just dated myself..:)
And and have seen glimpses of God's plan for this part of my life, I have been able to minister to others because of this, but I am honestly not thinking about anyone but me right now.. :( (Yes, a little trust problem is evident, and yes if I would stay off the throne and quite wrestling with God so much my hip probably would not hurt as much as it does but, hey I am not even pretending to think I am perfect, and when I do not feel good, I am SOOOOO whiny and negative, Satan keeps his distance.)
I just want one of the three areas to be "normal and healthy", Spiritually I am fine, but the fleshy part of my heart really needs some work. If that would balance then it could help the mind become positive and healthy again and the end of the mind/spirit struggle would give me energy and a better attitude to deal with the body issues.
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